Settling Shocked

I know what you’re thinking, “Wow…kinda ominous for the general theme of this blog don’t you think?”

Don’t worry, the big picture is positive, sorry to spoil that for you if you for some reason were looking for a story of despair. I want to speak on the whole process I go through and I want to try to make time to describe my experiences with the same detail at which I experience them. 

So what’s been happening?

Well, after about 5 straining weeks of training on and learning sales processes I managed to book two meetings (the whole point of my role here is to book meetings). That’s exciting, yes! Finally getting a leg up and doing what I’m being paid to do is fantastic.

The real killer is the times between wins here, that’s what most people don’t talk about, because it really doesn’t matter in the long run. The times between are the most dangerous though, being a results driven person (like most others), I was beginning to see my initial lack of results as a case for doubt. ‘Maybe I’m not cut out for this, maybe I made a poor choice in taking this position.’ Dropping myself into a new world with a limited immediate network didn’t help either…

Even before this, I struggled with defining myself by my performance. Take a break when my grades were slipping? Sleep when I could be improving processes at N.O.V.A.? Slow down for one second when I’m on fire and my friends keep planning events? Never.

IT IS SO EASY TO GET CAUGHT UP IN PERFORMANCE. It is so addictive when a win can put a smile on your face for a week, where something else might only keep that smile for a day. Getting high off of a win is an addiction. While being satisfied and moving forward after a win is healthy. Celebrate, have your fun, wear that smile, but don’t let wins control your life. 

I’ve never been a halfway person and I’ve rarely been satisfied with my personal performance when it comes to reaching the goals I project for myself. I walk the line between extremes too often to remain content with my performance with many things in life. 

It’s not healthy, I know it’s not healthy to drive myself to my wits end over most of the things that I do. No, I don’t need the approval of any one person in particular, I just want to make the most effort I can to succeed in accomplishing personal goals. I want to prove my passions. 

So here I am, in San Francisco, with a just a handful of new friends, and what I would call a potentially destructive optimistic outlook. 

It’s a real roller coaster as detailed above, but I can’t see myself trading it for anything. I really do enjoy what I’m doing here, and the growth to stretch and learn is painful but insanely rewarding. 

My visceral life experience is constantly evolving here.

*Big exhale* Congrats if you read through all this, I appreciate you. Also, kudos if this made sense to you and/or motivated you in some aspect.